


Degausser

by VermilionSerpent



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Allen descending into despair, Angst, Ark origin, Based on a Brand New Song, Bookman theories, Crazy 14th, Deception, Despair, Fear, Gen, Noah!Allen?, Persuasion - Freeform, Possession, Technically AU?, non-cannon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-12 08:04:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4471619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VermilionSerpent/pseuds/VermilionSerpent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Separating dreams from reality is becoming harder to do and it's getting dangerous to leave the ark, because Allen's struggling to hold onto who he is. It's a matter of who to believe, but gaining the trust of the Exorcists that hate your kind and a Bookman that's trying hard to keep his heart neutral is a lot harder than he ever thought... Will it all matter in the end?<br/>--Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins,<br/>The storm is coming, the storm is coming in--</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Goodbye to Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> So this has been adapted from an old fic of mine that I've decided to revamp because I didn't like the style of writing I used and I hated the way I had written characters and where the plot was going, so after a complete change of heart, I'm working on re-writing this one! I honestly don't know where this is gonna go and the summary will probably change throughout, but I do hope that you enjoy it!  
> This story is less inspired by, but more built around the song Degausser by Brand New; the tone of the song works with Allen's despair I find and the lyrics work very well with what I'm writing, so I will be writing the lyrics set for the chapter down too. Hopefully the song will reflect the writing and vice versa.  
> I'm pretty nervous about this fic, I hope it will turn out well.

_Goodbye to sleep_  
_I think this staying up is exactly what I need_  
 _Well, take apart your mind_  
 _Take apart the counting and the flock it has bred_

Allen pulled his fingers from the ivory keys of the piano and clenched them. His joints ached from playing so often, but he barely recalled the tune he had been playing. He understood that he played the same song each time, but he drifted so often between his thoughts and reality when he played that the notes scattered when he brought his attention back to them and he lost focus.

Once again, he had lost that focus and he closed his eyes. They too ached like they had been beaten and clawed at and they bulged from his face, puffy and red; rubbed raw from the tears that came from his night terrors and the soft voice that drifted through his mind as he played. It was so sad, so lonely that he could do nothing but cry for the voice.

Allen laid his head on the piano and rested. He hadn’t slept in what must have been days. Confined to his self-made sanctuary within the Ark, he isolated himself from the people he could hurt, only to dwell in the memories of those he fought so hard to save.

Their faces stained his memories: Lenalee, with her beautiful long hair singed and legs bruised so much that she could barely walk; Lavi, with his cheery smile attempting to cover the growing fear glistening in his one eye; Kanda, with his dark eyes shrouded in his deep-rooted pain that he so obviously resented; Miranda’s relentless shaking; Krory’s broken body and desperate loneliness; Komui’s smile growing heavier and more hopeless with each passing day; and the Akuma’s souls so devastatingly haunting that the sight of them twisted his stomach and made him sick. He desperately fought to keep them safe, but his dreams constantly reminded him that they were not safe and would never be safe until the Noah were destroyed.

Including the Noah inside him.

He opened his eyes and glanced over at the window, greeted by the ever-present ghoul smiling in the glass. Bitter resentment flooded through him and he grimaced. The black face tilted, watching him.

“Allen, you should sleep more~” the voice chimed. Allen had grown used to the echo in his mind and understood now that only he could hear it. It was soft and played eerily like a song whispered into his ear, and then forgotten if you weren’t listening close enough.

“I don’t want to sleep,” he replied, looking back at the piano and glancing over the pages of music that he didn’t understand, “because the lies in my head are too close to reality.”

“Only if you make them so~” Allen clenched a fist.

“I won’t make them so… I’ll kill myself before I let you use me,” he spat venomously. An unkind chuckle rippled through the back of his mind and Allen saw the shadowed face ripple and distort into a cruel smirk.

“My dear child, you won’t have a choice~” it watched him, rippling with excitement in the reflection, “You’re already weakening~ You can’t keep me in here much longer~ Any time now, you’ll lose your energy and you know what happens next~”

Allen saw red and threw a vase at the window. It shattered on impact and the dark laughter inside his head grew louder, echoing around the room. “It’s never going to happen!” he growled, standing and reaching for another vase, “I won’t let it!” He launched the vase at the next window and grabbed a candlestick, hurling it angrily. “You will NEVER leave this Ark! You’ll NEVER hurt my friends!” He smashed the final window and panted, his fists clenched so tight that they shook and glowed white, “I’ll DIE first!”

Panting, Allen stared at the windows, his pale eyes watching them feverishly. He was met with silence and a sick feeling pooled in his stomach. Slowly, one shattered shard at a time, the windows began to piece themselves back together and the vases, candlesticks and items he had thrown materialized in their original places.

He felt himself shake. For the first time he saw only himself reflected in the mirror but the sight sickened him. He stepped forward, his eyes fixed on his reflection and his heart dropped. Carved into his head were the dark marks he loathed – the stigmata stood out black against his skin. He gripped his head and ran his trembling fingers over the grooves they left and he screamed, stumbling back and tripping on his piano stool. He couldn’t tear his eyes from his reflection and screamed, his throat rasping and breaking the noise with his panic.

The 14th suddenly burst into the panes of the windows, his white eyes fixed on the exorcist from every angle, his mouth twisted into a cruel shape of glee. “You see Allen Walker~? This is what you are! This is what you have always been!”

“NO!” Allen screamed, clawing at his forehead until it bled, his whole body shaking, “NO! NEVER!”

“You cannot hide! I will consume you! I will take your body and I will destroy your precious exorcists one pathetic body at a time! You can do nothing! You ARE nothing! You are but a vessel of destruction! The DESTROYER OF TIME!”

* * *

 

A sharp pain cut through Lenalee’s chest and she set her mug down quickly, looking up from Johnny’s notes. A howl echoed through the halls of the Order and her heart clenched.

“Allen…” She stood, panic setting in and turned to the door. Before she could begin to run for it, Johnny burst through the door, panting with his glasses askew and his hair wild.

“Miss Lenalee!” he cried, “it’s Allen!”

“What happened?” She ran to him, her heart already pounding. She had heard the scream and was sure that everyone in the Order had heard it too.

“He’s in the Ark and it’s gone crazy! The whole thing’s glitching and there was a cry and then this laughter, then it’s like the Ark just shut down!” Lenalee’s heart stopped and before she could respond, her feet were carrying her through the corridors to Allen. A dark feeling was settling around her heart and her stomach was in knots.

“Don't you leave us..."


	2. But you ran out

_You burnt bright but you ran out_  
I fell asleep at the incline  
I can't shake this little feeling  
I'll never get anything right

Outside the window the rain slowly began to swell and the wind threw the heavy drops against the windows of the order’s hospital ward. Inside, the Matron was buzzing around in her office, collecting herbs and essences to mix together and feed to Allen to help him relieve his fever and hopefully sleep more peacefully.

The exorcist in question was currently sleeping fitfully on one of the beds. He was dreadfully dishevelled with bright and burning cheeks and his lips were chapped with his ragged breathing.

Lenalee bit her lip, telling herself to stay strong as she carefully wrung out a small towel and placed it carefully onto her friend’s burning forehead. She hated seeing him so weak and frail, because the Allen she knew and loved was not frail or weak. He was strong and kind and full of determination; the opposite of what she saw.

He was drained and thinning. For someone who had such a large appetite, he was only eating enough to keep him alive and his collarbones were showing through the now loose fabric of his shirt. He had lost definition on his arms and legs and, from what she had seen, his chest too because he had been sitting around or sleeping instead of training and this worried her. He was grimy and his hair was too long for him and unkempt. She blamed herself for not noticing sooner.

She smoothed his hair back from his face and watched him, sadly. “I’m sorry, Allen… I should have been there for you… I know you smile and say you’re fine, but…” she looked down and curled her fingers around his trembling hand, “you’re not okay, are you?”

As if her words had startled him, Allen’s eyes shot open and he sat up with a broken cry. Lenalee cried his name and her hands went to his shoulders. His eyes were wild and his pupils dilated as they searched the room.

“Allen! Calm down, it’s okay! You’re okay! I’ve got you!” Allen stopped and turned to her, still breathing sharply. She felt the tension leave his shoulders and he spoke.

“L-Lenalee?” His voice was broken and husky. He swallowed thickly and Lenalee smiled gently, reaching up and brushing strands of his hair from his eyes.

“It’s me, Allen. I’m right here.” Something in his eyes broke and he closed them, falling onto her shoulder and resting his head in the crook of his neck. She felt the cold sweat on his forehead and brushed a hand over his back. “Nightmares?”

“Something like that…” he replied wearily.

She bit the inside of her lip again and ran her hand up and down Allen’s spine gently. It seemed to calm him and his breathing slowly returned to normal. Her heart felt heavy as she felt the tremble running through him.

“What happened…?” Allen murmured, “why am I here?”

Lenalee laid her cheek on the top of his head, “Johnny and the others… they came to check on you… you have a fever, so they pulled you out and brought you to the Matron…”

Allen shifted and pulled his head away from her. She looked at him briefly before turning away. The disbelief in his eyes cut into her guilt and she thought about what she would say next carefully.

“Lenalee… please don’t lie to me. I want to know what happened… I blacked out inside the Ark – how did I get out here?” Allen’s voice was quiet but surprisingly steady. Lenalee fiddled with the end of her sleeves.

“You were screaming,” she began. She felt him stiffen but he kept silent, “you just started screaming and we panicked… Johnny ran into my room, he told me that you’d fallen out of the Ark screaming and holding your head.. he said your eyes were rolling back and you’d gone really pale. You were scratching your forehead and shaking, it was awful.” She looked at him and once again, he had gone pale.

“Did I say anything?” he asked quietly. Lenalee shook her head.

“Nothing that we understood…” Allen sighed and flopped back onto the bed.

“I’m sorry Lenalee,” he said, running his hand over his forehead, “I’m sorry for scaring you and I’m sorry I’ve been locked away in the Ark so long. I’ve been trying to figure things out and put everything that has happened behind me… I guess I’ve been struggling and it just all came out at once,” he turned his grey eyes to her and smiled gently, “I feel better now though, I promise. I’m calmer… Maybe I needed to scream…” Lenalee smiled back at him and nodded slowly, taking hold of his hand.

“Sometimes when I get really frustrated or sad I just scream, because it helps and I can see straight after,” she looked at him in the eyes, the violet in her irises shimmering softly in the low light of the lamps in the room, “if you need to scream, please don’t hold it in, Allen. Don’t bottle it up inside and…” her grip tightened on his hand, “don’t hide from us… everyone is recovering, we should do it together.”

Allen felt his heart squeeze and his eyes stung suddenly. He pulled Lenalee close and wrapped his arms around her. “Lena… I’m so happy I met you…”

* * *

 

Lenalee left Allen after she was sure he was asleep and comfortable. She tucked him safely into the blankets before she quietly left him to the Matron’s careful watch.

She made herself a coffee and a tray for the science team before heading up to the laboratory.

The science team were, as usual, sleep deprived and living on caffeine, but today the room was alive with panicked discussions and rapid tapping on keyboards accompanying the rustling of papers and clattering of equipment. Lenalee was warmly greeted and the coffee was gratefully taken as she made her rounds and handed out the mugs of coffee. She finished with River and Johnny whose desks were closest to the ark and set their mugs beside them.

“Thank you, Miss Lenalee,” Johnny said gratefully, picking up his mug and sipping it, “how’s Allen?”

Lenalee placed the tray down carefully. “He’s okay… He’s very tired though, and he’s thin… he’s been struggling in the Ark, I wish I’d been there for him.” Johnny looked at her and reached out to touch her elbow.

“We all could have been there… Nobody knows what’s going on in the Ark or with Allen; it’s not your fault Miss Lenalee.”

“He’s just findin’ it hard to readjust, he’ll figure it out; he’s a strong guy.” River said, leaning back and looking at her with a gentle smile. Lenalee returned it and looked at them both.

“You’re right. He is strong and now, at least, we can help him.” She nodded and moved over to River’s desk.

“Have you found anything?” she asked, leaning over to look at the work he had typed up and printed, then scrawled over. River shook his head and leant back in his chair. He ran a hand through his hair before he took the cup and drank deeply from it.

“Nothin’,” he said with a sigh, “none of us can make anything out of it, the Ark’s just shut down. It’s like Allen’s got to be in there for it to work anymore. It’s barely even floating now too,” he pointed to a page of printed correspondence and rubbed his eyes. Lenalee pulled the sheet closer to read it and sipped her coffee, “we’ve had reports from all over the world sayin’ the doors are all closin’ and nobody can get through ‘em. The exorcists and finders out on missions at the minute are all makin’ their way back on the trains because the doors have either closed or just vanished.”

Lenalee frowned and looked over at the Ark. It was dull and lifeless. The Ark had always hummed with an eerie presence and this had always made her nervous. She had always thought that Allen might have found comfort in the presence of the Ark and that because he could control it; this had confirmed that it was responding to him. Now it almost blended into the background. It was like a curtain hanging forgotten in the corner and held no imposing demand over those around it.

“What if it’s a good sign?” Johnny suggested as he looked up from the books scattered on his desk. His hair was more wild than usual and his glasses only magnified the dark circles under his eyes. River raised an eyebrow at him.

“A good sign?”

“Maybe the Ark is dying! Maybe it means that the Ark is dead and it can’t be used anymore-” A hand on his shoulder cut him off and Johnny jumped, looking behind him.

Lenalee frowned and looked over at the blonde exorcist behind Johnny. “What’s wrong with Johnny’s idea, Bak?”

“What’s wrong is the optimism… we should be working hard to get the Ark back online because not only is it a valuable resource for us, but this could be a very bad sign.” Bak looked at the three of them, his jaw set and eyes dark with severity.

“Before we brought the Ark to the Order, the Millenium Earl was downloading it into his version of the Ark, or the black Ark, and when Walker took control of the Ark he did a lot of damage to the black Ark, but it wasn’t destroyed completely. So far Walker has been controlling the Ark and hasn’t reported any tampering, nor have we detected any signs of it, but that may not have lasted as long as we had hoped. The fact that we can’t get in anymore could mean any number of things; my main concern being that the Earl may have found a way to start downloading this Ark into the black Ark again. That may have forced Walker out of the Ark and the reason that this door leads to nothing may be because it has already been downloaded.”

“But the doors would have been destroyed, they’re only being closed!” Johnny protested, “Only Allen can destroy them, can’t he?!” Bak nodded solemnly.

“That leads me to the reason I came here.”

“What is it?” Lenalee asked, narrowing her eyes. River leant forward in his seat, watching carefully, his stomach dropping.

“The Inspector has told the Vatican what happened already and they are suspicious of Walker… they think that he might be in league with the Millennium Earl and that he has cut off our connection to the Ark because it’s part of some kind of plot to trap us in the Order… Komui is trying to defend Walker, but until he recovers and can fight for himself I don’t see the situation getting any better.”

* * *

 

It was getting dark and the Black Order was growing still. Outside, the sky was growing calmer and the night was bright with starlight and the full moon shone down on the order like a great angel watching as the exorcists slept.

Within the hospital wing, golden eyes watched the moon with wide-eyed disbelief. The stars winked gently and he could see the movement of the trees. In the silence he could hear the whistling of the wind and the rustling of the leaves and branches on the trees. He lifted his right hand towards it and smiled gently, flexing the muscles softly.

It was a strange sensation; a new sensation.

Carefully, savouring each movement, he pushed himself from the bed. A rush flooded through his body and a giggle slipped from his lips as he staggered and steadied himself carefully. His hair brushed against his cheeks and his clothing caressed his thin frame. The cold from the stone slabs making up the floor seeped into the skin of his bare feet and he was captivated.

He had a sudden urge to run. A childish fever building in his mind told him to run and feel the air whip up his hair and sting his cheeks like they had when he was a child. So he ran.

He slipped through the hospital wing door, took a deep breath in and smiled, before he took flight. He was free; soaring through the corridor and cutting through the air like a knife. His hair whipped back and his cardigan bellowed out behind him. The icy air in the corridor stung his eyes and brought tears to them. His grin grew and he skidded to a halt, crashing into the wall and he laughed - a sudden childish laugh that burst out from his heart and echoed in the halls. His chest rose and fell rapidly as he panted and his eyes found the next corridor to run through.

This time he was laughing as he ran. He let himself laugh more than he had in a long time; it felt so good to be so free. He felt innocent and mischievous, calm and excited, revitalised and-

“Allen?” he stopped, suddenly tensing and nervous.

“What are you doing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty motivated with this story, so I hope I'll be updating regularly! All the kudos and bookmarks have really been motivating me too, thank you all so much for the support! I wasn't expecting so much interest, I hope you stay interested!  
> I hope you have enjoyed chapter two, next up;  
> 'Does everybody really need to know everyone?  
> Do you really think you're really a part of it?'  
> Thanks again for reading  
> \- VS


End file.
